Permission
by Josie Lange
Summary: A one-shot story born of a Cheeky Monkeys challenge. F!Hawke has just returned from the abandoned slaver den after sending Hadriana to meet the Maker. An apologetic Fenris comes to visit later that evening. Takes place during "A Bitter Pill." Complete.


_This little one shot comes from a Cheeky Monkey's challenge. TropicalFool challenged us to write something steamy regarding Fenris. This is my take on the situation. It's the first "encounter" between F!Hawke and Fenris, at the conclusion of the quest "A Bitter Pill". Instead of the steaminess taking place outside Hawke's manor, I moved it inside. There is dialogue from the quest in the story, but not word for word in most cases.  
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_TropicalFool, I hope you enjoy it. You WILL let me know what you think, yes? _:)_  
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><p>The sun had sank nearly to the horizon as I trudged through Hightown toward my estate, each step I took seemingly more difficult than the last. We had just returned from an abandoned slaver den in the hills outside Kirkwall: Anders, Isabella, and myself. Anders left for his Darktown clinic while Isabella—not surprisingly—headed for The Hanged Man.<p>

Four of us—Fenris included—had left Kirkwall not long before; we were headed to Sundermount to find some crafting reagents for Solivitus. His errands were of the nearly mindless sort and this time I was headed to the Dalish camp looking for their tattoo ink. I knew such a thing was a touchy subject among the Dalish, but I was hoping they would give me a small amount without too much of a fuss. It was nice, for a change, to be doing something other than killing the thieves and slavers that always seemed to be popping in on us at the most inopportune times.

Once again, my hopes for a day without fights went for naught. As we entered the foothills around Sundermout, we were confronted by bounty hunters looking for Fenris, who demanded that we turn him over. Of course, I wasn't about to hand Fenris over to slavers; not even Anders was prepared to do that, and he and Fenris had nothing but barely restrained loathing for each other. If there are any people I hate more than overzealous templars or petty thieves, it's slavers. They were going to take him over my dead body. They didn't care for my answer and of course tried to take Fenris by force. It wasn't long before their blood was soaking into the ground and we received the lead that Danarius's former apprentice, Hadriana, was holed up in an abandoned slaver den not far away.

Fenris practically dragged us into the den, slaughtering slavers, blood mages, and the reanimated dead while we searched the dirty, trap laden halls for Hadriana. We eventually found her, surrounded by her slaver lackeys. Fenris was immediately on her; I barely had time to put a death hex on the bitch before Fenris started swinging his great sword at her. I stood off to the side, firing arrows from my bow as fast as I could while Anders and Isabella took care of Hadriana's lackeys. Before we knew it, Hadriana had summoned corpses and shades to her side to fight for her; the smell nearly made me throw up on my expensive leather boots. I quickly dropped my bow and pulled my daggers as the shades had materialized behind me. Oops; that's never good and I cursed myself for being such an idiot as to let them get behind me. Eventually, we fought them all off and I turned to see Fenris deliver a devastating blow to Hadriana, throwing her across the room. She quickly scrambled for her staff, but Fenris had put himself between Hadriana and the weapon, raising his great sword to deliver the final blow.

Hadriana, the scheming wench, tried to beg for her life by telling Fenris she had information for him that she would only disclose if he agreed to spare her. He leered into her face gave his word, but something in his voice gave me pause. I didn't think he was going to keep his word; it turned out I was right. As soon as Hadriana revealed that Fenris had a sister and that she was a servant rather than a slave, Fenris's tattoos began to glow the bluish white that could only mean one thing. Fenris shoved his hand through Hadriana's chest, clutching her heart and stopping it. It was no skin off my back to see the bitch dead; it was no less than what she deserved. As Hadriana slumped to the floor, Fenris turned and walked past me. "We're done here," he growled.

"She deserved to die," I told him. He whirled about then, marching up to me and into my face, pointing at Hadriana's cooling corpse.

"You think this was a good idea?" he snarled at me, his green eyes narrowing and face twisting in revulsion. "Danarius must know about this supposed sister of mine. This could all be an elaborate trap. And even if this _sister_ did exist, going after her would be suicide and Danarius well knows it." He turned and stalked away several feet before once again turning and meeting my eyes, his face still twisted by pain and hate.

"At least I got to crush the heart of this miserable bitch. May she rot, and all the other mages with her."

I heard Anders snort indignantly from nearby. "Here I thought you were unreasonable."

My heart went out to Fenris. It seemed that no matter where he went, no matter how much time passed, Danarius was still going to come after him to try and reclaim is so-called investment. "I'm sorry, Fenris. Perhaps we should leave," I said quietly into his ear, putting a hand on his shoulder to show that I understood.

He violently shrugged my hand off, turning to face me once again with rage in those beautiful, yet unsettling, green eyes. "_Don't comfort me_," he snarled, his face twisting in rage. "Mages will always find a reason to twist everything around them, to bend circumstances to their will. Even if I did find this sister, what has magic done to her? How has it twisted her?" Fenris took a step away, looking pointedly toward Anders before lowering his head, delicately rubbing the flesh with his fingers. "What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil?" He began to walk away, his eyes still trained on his feet. "I…need to go."

I was confused and angry. We went through all of this just for him to act like an ungrateful child and storm off in a tantrum? Danarius's star pupil was lying dead on the floor behind us; one less person Danarius could throw at us. Soon, Danarius would be forced to confront Fenris—and me—himself. I thought that was what Fenris _wanted_, a final confrontation to ensure his freedom forever. I thought Fenris would at least be grateful that we helped him eliminate another rival and better his odds against the inevitable confrontation with Danarius. How foolish of me.

"Come on," I heard Anders say from behind me, placing a hand on the small of my back and gently leading me toward the door. "Let's go back to Kirkwall." I gave Anders a small smile and allowed him guide me outside. _He_ was a true friend.

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><p>I looked at the stairway leading to my chambers with trepidation. It looked miles long and I didn't think I would make it to the top on both feet; I thought I'd be reduced to crawling up the last several steps. That would give Sandal something to giggle about, watching me try to pull myself up the last several steps on my hands and knees.<p>

Fenris; that bloody elf just pisses me off sometimes. Just when I think our friendship will blossom into something more, he shoves me away. I think I've just about had it with him…but I can't get him out of my mind. I was worried about him; was he wandering the streets of Lowtown? Getting drunk in Danarius's mansion? Lying dead in a gutter somewhere—or worse yet—taken back to the Imperium in chains?

I finally made it to the top of the stairs, pulling myself along the handrail for the last few steps. I made it into my room, kicking the door closed with my foot before I collapsed onto the bed in exhaustion. I just wanted to sleep, but I could tell that my overtired body just wouldn't drift off right away; it didn't help that Fenris kept raging through my mind. I didn't know, in that moment, if I loved or hated him. Both, perhaps.

I lay on the bed for a few minutes, hoping that I could gather enough energy to change into a nightshirt and throw one more log onto the fire that Bodahn had started not long before I had arrived home. I finally managed to drag myself to my feet and over to my armoire, changing into a nightshirt before crawling under the covers of my bed. I didn't even bother taking my smalls off; I was just too damned tired. The sheets were still cool to the touch and I shivered for a moment before curling into a ball and awaiting sleep.

Bodahn's voice drifted through my closed door at some point later on; I could tell by the fire in the fireplace that I had only been asleep for maybe an hour or so. Whoever it was, I hoped Bodahn sent them on their way; I wasn't in the mood for entertaining guests. I listened for a few moments, hearing low voices and footsteps on the stairs. I scoffed loudly, pulling the covers over my head and groaning. I heard the squeak of the hinge to the bedroom door and knew someone was looking for me, most likely Bodahn.

"Andraste's tits," I lamented loudly, "I just want to _fucking sleep_! Bodahn, whoever it is, just _deal_ with them."

"I had to see you."

_Fenris?_ I sat up in bed, rubbing my bleary eyes. A figure was in the doorway, their silhouette darkened by the light streaming in from the hall beyond. As I pulled my hands away, the figure closed the door behind them and moved to the fireplace next to my bed. It was indeed Fenris, looking nervous and petulant all at the same time. I quickly grabbed my robe from the foot of my bed, pulling it on as Fenris turned his head, looking away from me to give me privacy as I donned the robe to cover my bare legs. I stood, moving to stand near him so I could look him in the eye. I looked at him warily, my anger and confusion at what happened earlier in the day just below the calm expression I tried to keep on my face.

"What do you want, Fenris?" I finally managed, trying my best to keep my voice cool and detached.

He shifted on his feet, looking nervous as he raised his eyes to mine. I took a sharp intake of breath when our gazes met; his eyes never failed to take my breath away, especially when he looked at me out of kindness. Or was something else there? I could already feel my anger beginning to melt away and I felt powerless to stop it.

"I have been thinking about Hadriana," he said, "and about what happened at Sundermount. I took out my anger on you, undeservedly so. You were seeking to help me. I'm sorry."

I crossed my arms over my chest, sighing as I did so. "I was worried about you, you know. I didn't know where you went or if you were hurt…or worse…"

Fenris pulled his armored gauntlets off, setting them on a nearby table before he ran his long, delicate fingers through his snow white hair. "I needed to be alone for a while." He began to pace the room, his agitation clear in the way he held his shoulders and wrenched his hands together. "Hadriana would torment me, withhold my meals, ridicule me, and disrupt my sleep. I couldn't retaliate and she knew it." Fenris stopped his pacing when he stood before the fireplace, placing his hands on the mantle and staring down into the fire. "I wanted to let her go, but I couldn't."

Now I was _really_ confused. "You _wanted_ to let her go? Why? I thought you _wanted_ her dead."

"Hate drove my hand," he said, shrugging as he turned from the fireplace to look at me once again. "I thought I had gotten away from it but to know that it was they who planted the hate within me was too much to bear." Fenris walked to the table and picked up his gauntlets, looking toward the door as if to leave. "I didn't mean to come here to burden you further. I'm sorry." He took a step toward the door and I quickly reached out, gently grasping his arm as he passed by me.

"Don't go, Fenris."

He suddenly turned on me, the tattoos on his skin glowing the ominous blue-white that signaled he was ready to move in for the kill. He turned his face toward me, snarling in rage as the glow of his skin intensified. His green eyes held a murderous look, made more frightening as the glow of his skin back lit them. I took a startled breath, my heart quickening in my chest as fear began to pulse through my veins. For an instant, I thought he was going to reach into my chest and stop my heart right then and there. Poor Bethany; she would be all alone in this world. Well, she would have Gamlen, for whatever that was worth. Not much, all things considered.

Instead of reaching into my chest and stopping my racing heart, Fenris rushed forward, dropping his gauntlets and kissing me with a brutal, punishing intensity. He slammed me up against the wall behind us, his lips parting and tongue demanding entrance into my mouth. I opened my mouth to his, allowing him to ravish me with lips, teeth, and tongue. After a moment he pulled away, the ominous glow of his skin fading to be replaced by a look of utter shame at what nearly happened. His face softened as his eyes locked onto mine, one of his hands coming up to lightly brush the skin of my cheek, as if he were afraid that I would break under the slightest pressure. A tickle ran across my skin as his tattoos made contact, their residual power flowing from his body to mine.

I quickly grabbed his arms and reversed our positions, roughly shoving him up against the wall as I gave him a brutal kiss of my own. He moaned softly as he opened his mouth to mine, his hands wrapping around my waist as I pressed myself closer to him. I felt his hardness growing against my stomach as I continued to kiss him, pushing my tongue deeper into his mouth. I loved him. I hated him. I wanted to claim him as my own yet suffocate him with my kiss.

After another moment ravishing his mouth with mine, I pulled away, gasping for breath and holding his striking green eyes with my own brown ones. He was breathing heavily as well, his lips slightly swollen from our fevered, punishing kisses. I reached up with my hand, two fingers hovering just above the tattoo that began below those soft lips. I had always been curious to run my fingers over them, to see if they felt different than the rest of his skin. He was looking at me warily, not sure what to do but unwilling, or unable, to move.

"May I?" I asked him, glancing down at his tattoos before meeting his gaze once again. He seemed taken aback by the question, a confused look crossing his face before his expression softened once again.

"No one has ever asked for my permission to touch them before," he admitted, bringing up one of his hands to gently grasp mine. "Danarius's 'friends' would poke and pinch them to see my reaction; he knew that the wrong touch would bring me pain and made no move to correct anyone. He enjoyed watching me endure it."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't, if you touch them the right way."

Fenris settled my fingers onto the tattoo, silently showing me the pressure and pace that he liked. I gently ran a finger down each mark, down his chin and underneath, slowly tracing the marks to where they disappeared beneath his armor. To my surprise, they glowed slightly under my fingertips, the luminescence traveling under my fingers as they moved. His breathing quickened at my touch, his hands grasping me and pulling me even tighter to him. After I finished tracing the marks with my fingers, I moved my head to his side, lightly pressing my lips to the mark that began just below his ear. I followed it down his neck, gently nipping and sucking as I traveled, causing him to shudder lightly at my touch. His hands ran up my back, coming around to the front of my shoulders and gently pushing back on them. I stepped back, momentarily confused before he slowly undid the tie that held my robe closed and pushed it down my shoulders where it pooled on the floor at my feet.

Clasping my hands in his, Fenris brought them up to the top clasp of his armor, nodding in encouragement as I began to unfasten it. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, more gently this time as we both began to work with the fasteners on his armor. It took several moments with all the kissing and caressing, but soon he was bare before me, his naked chest and arms a sight to behold, and not just for the lyrium tattooed under his skin in intricate whorls and patterns.

I ran a light hand down his chest, taking care to avoid the tattoos for the time being. Fenris was lean built of course, but every muscle was still delightfully visible and firm under my touch. As my hand wandered lower, he began to fuss with the hem of my nightshirt, pulling it up so I could wriggle out of it. As I stood before him in my smalls, I reached out and placed a finger on one of his tattoos just below the collarbone, slowly tracing it with my finger for a moment before leaning forward and pressing my lips to it. He sighed in pleasure as I worked lower, gently kissing and caressing the marks with my tongue as I got on my knees. His fingers found my hair, entwining themselves in the tresses as he sighed and groaned softly. I paused as I neared his abdomen, tilting my head slightly and looking up at him. His gaze met mine and a dark brow rose in questioning.

"I have always wondered just how far these tattoos go," I purred, my fingers moving to the waistband of his trousers and pausing. Fenris froze for a moment, seemingly unsure of what to do next. "If I have gone too far, tell me to stop and I shall," I offered, hoping against hope that he would think I hadn't gone far _enough_. I certainly thought we hadn't gone far enough. The arousal just below my chin was telling me that stopping would be foolish. He sorted lightly, a small grin turning up the corner of his mouth.

"You'll never know if you don't remove them," he grinned, his voice husky and eyes heavy lidded with lust and desire. I smiled, pressing my lips to his abdomen once again as my fingers found the clasps to the armor surrounding his legs. Before long, I had divested him of his armor and boots, leaving him in just his trousers. I looked up at him one last time as my hands found the ties, taking one end in my teeth and gently pulling. His hands found my hair again as I gently pushed his trousers away and released his erection.

Not even that had been spared the agony of a lyrium tattoo, the pattern snaking up and around the shaft to end at the tip, darkened with arousal. I heard Fenris snort above me. "Now you see how truly depraved Danarius is; those markings were made so that he could watch me 'entertain' his guests—both male and female—in other ways."

I was barely listening, instead fascinated with the patterns swirling about his legs and length, and how I was to go about my business. I gently traced the pattern first with my finger, eliciting a small groan of desire from above, before replacing my finger with my tongue. I followed the pattern to the darkened tip, taking it into my mouth as Fenris groaned with pleasure and involuntarily thrust forward. My fingers worked along the tattoos marking his thighs and then to his behind, fingers kneading the skin as my lips moved along his length. I continued my ministrations, feeling more powerful at every thrust, every groan, every gasp that my mouth and fingers forced Fenris to vocalize. His hips began to buck and I increased my pace, taking all of him within my mouth as he spent himself inside me with a feral growl and his hands tightly clenching locks of my hair. His shudders began to ebb and I pulled my mouth from his length, spending a moment on the head to make sure the last of his seed had been taken.

I stood, moving to the table beside my bed to take a long swallow of water, followed by another. As I returned the glass to the table, Fenris's strong hands came around me from behind, pulling me close as his lips and teeth skirted the skin of my neck, his hands roaming the skin of my abdomen and chest.

"I think, perhaps, you are slightly overdressed," he breathed, one hand coming behind to remove my breast band as his other hand pushed my smalls away. As the last scraps of clothing fell from my body, Fenris began to massage my breasts from behind, rolling the nipples between his fingers as his lips and tongue began to travel along the curve of my neck and shoulder once more. I closed my eyes and moaned, settling myself back against him as one hand wandered lower, seeking my nub between the wet folds of my flesh. When he found my nub, I moaned once more, guiding his hand to show him the touch that _I _liked. As he caressed my nub, he sent small pulses of power through the tattoos on his fingers, causing me to gasp aloud in pleasure and surprise.

"A trick that I was forced to learn to please Danarius and his companions; it gives me pleasure to give _you_ pleasure with it," Fenris breathed, bringing his free hand up to brush my hair away from my ear. He began to nibble at the lobe as his other hand worked my nub. I raised one of my arms over and behind my head, wrapping it around Fenris's neck to steady myself under the onslaught of his hand. Waves of intense pleasure coursed through my body, starting where his hand worked its magic and flowing completely through me. My breathing came in faster, shorter bursts and I felt my knees begin to buckle from the pleasure. Fenris quickly scooped me up and placed me on the bed, laying at my side and beginning to stroke my nub once more, gentle pulses of power once again flowing through his fingertips. My back arched, my hands clutching at the sheets as Fenris lowered his lips to one of my breasts and his free hand to the other, massaging it while gently sending his pulses through it. I writhed beneath him, closing my eyes while keening and moaning in a state of pleasure the likes of which I had never felt before. Maker, this man could use his hands!

When I came seconds later, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. My body nearly leaped off the bed, the waves of pleasure so intense I thought I saw bright comets flash across my vision though my eyes were wide open. My chest heaved as I moaned breathlessly, closing my eyes and finally relaxing into the bed as the last of the waves subsided.

My eyes opened a moment later and I saw Fenris looking down at me, his expression soft and his enthralling green eyes locked on mine. He smiled, bringing a hand up to my face and cradling it gently. I turned into his touch, bringing my own hand up to his face and pulling him down to me, kissing him deeply. He chuckled a moment later when the kiss broke.

"Ready for more, are you?" he grinned at me. My hand moved to his length, which was already stiff and throbbing as I gently grasped it. I moved it along the smooth surface, causing Fenris to groan once more. "It appears I'm not the only one who is ready for more," I said, my voice husky.

"Perhaps," Fenris agreed, placing a kiss on my forehead. "But your body is worth savoring, and I intend to do so on my own terms." I had no problem with that, especially with the intense climax he had just given me. His lips wandered down my body once more, stopping at each breast to gently mouth the nipples as he continued his foray south. He positioned himself between my thighs, his mouth finding my nub, gently brushing it with his tongue and sucking on it as his hands cupped my breasts and sent gentle pulses of power through them. It wasn't long before I was keening and moaning again but this time, I wanted him buried inside me.

"Now," I breathed, pulling on his white hair with my hands. "_Now,_ Fenris. _Please…_"

Fenris moved up my body, positioning himself above me and gazing down into my eyes, a strange look behind the green of his irises quickly fading as he pushed himself inside me with a groan of pleasure. He twisted his hands in mine, pinning them above my head as he thrust forward. My hips met his, a sigh of pleasure escaping my lips as he pulled back, then thrust forward again with more force. His lips found mine, his tongue pushing into my mouth as he thrust again, this time a tickle of power hitting just the right spot inside me. I gasped loudly into his mouth and he chuckled, increasing the intensity of the power until I thought I would be burned alive, death coming in pleasure and pain. Not a bad way to go, if I had to choose a way to die.

The thrusting grew faster and harder, Fenris pulling his mouth from mine and breathing heavily with his effort. He pressed his hands more forcefully into mine, pinning me to the bed as I wrapped my legs around him, holding him to me. We struggled with each other in pleasure and pain, his lips once again finding mine in a punishing kiss as we both raced toward release, his tattoos pulsing with the power flowing through him.

With a barely restrained growl, he spent himself inside me, one last burst of power from his length forcing me over the edge with a keening wail, my walls gripping him tightly as his shudders continued. He collapsed on top of me, breathing as if he had just run a long race. After a moment he moved to my side, pulling my back to his chest and wrapping his arms around me. I placed my hands on his, burrowing myself into his chest and relaxing into the pillows. As I began to drift toward sleep, he gently kissed the place where my neck and shoulder met, his lips lingering there for several moments. I fell into blissful sleep with the feel of his lips on my skin.

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><p>I awoke from a doze some time later to find myself in an empty bed. Confused, I turned over and saw Fenris standing near the fireplace again, fully dressed. Anxiety began to settle into my stomach, twisting it into a tight ball. "Was it that bad?" I asked, trying to convey lighthearted humor through my confusion and trepidation. Fenris turned to look at me, a look of pain and longing on his face that I had never seen before. I could feel the hair standing on the back of my neck; <em>this is it,<em> I thought. _This is the 'it's not you, it's me' part of the shagging._

"No," Fenris said, shaking his head and holding his hands up in supplication. "It was fine. Sufficient." I could feel my brow furrowing in confusion; he must have recognized my expression for what it was and quickly began stammering. "No, Hawke. It was better than fine," he amended, his voice softening. "It was better than anything I could have imagined."

"Were you in pain?" I asked, concerned that that was the reason he was acting so strange. Perhaps I hurt him without meaning to. I could already feel the guilt turning my cheeks red.

"No," Fenris said emphatically, shaking his head quickly. "It wasn't that at all." He paused a moment, bringing an armored hand to his forehead and rubbing the skin there. "It…I began to remember things. Flashes of my life before."

I sat up in bed, not caring that I was still naked as the day I was born. "You remembered things? Like what?"

Fenris turned, taking a couple of steps away before turning back and pacing toward me again, his face twisted in anguish and regret. "It's too fast. Too much. I…I cannot do this…I couldn't remember anything before the ritual…but then there were faces, words. For a moment, _everything_ became clear. I could recall _all of it_…" His voice drifted off and he brought a hand to his face; a hand that I saw was shaking ever so slightly. "Then…it all just…slipped away."

"Oh Fenris," I gasped, standing from the bed and walking toward him. I placed my hand on his cheek. He flinched slightly, but didn't pull away. "We could work on that, help you remember…"

His face twisted in pain for a moment before he turned away, walking over to the fireplace and leaning on the mantle, staring into the low flames. "Perhaps you don't realize just how…upsetting…this all is for me. Korrine..." He turned to face me, his green eyes shimmering with what looked like unshed tears. I could feel my heart being wrenched from my chest, just as if he had thrust his glowing hand into my flesh and yanked it out himself. He called me 'Korrine'; _no one_ called me Korrine anymore. The only time I was called by my given name was if someone was telling me news of the really, _really_ bad variety.

Fenris continued, his voice breaking ever so slightly. "To have the memories come back in a rush, then just as quickly fade away…I can't…I can't…"

Hot tears began to form behind my eyes. "But I care about you, Fenris. Let me help you. We can work through this…"

Fenris stood tall, adjusting his armor and securing his great sword to the scabbard on his back. "I'm sorry, Hawke," he said slowly, the regret in his voice almost too much to bear. "I feel like a fool for doing this. I wanted to be _happy_, if just for a little while. Forgive me."

He was gone, and I was alone, staring at the back of the door that he had just walked through and closed behind him. I was heartbroken. Angry. I felt used. After all the we had been through, after all that he _begged_ me to help him with, was I good for nothing more than one night's fuck? Did I mean _nothing_ to him?

I crawled back into bed, yanking the covers to my chin and pulling the pillow next to me to my chest. I clutched it like was a log keeping me afloat in a raging river. It still smelled like _him_. I reared up and threw it across the room, hearing the small thump as it hit first the wall, then the floor.

I cried and sometime later, fell asleep.

Fin.

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><p><em>I know Hawke can be forgiving to Fenris later on if he or she so chooses, but to me, I felt Hawke would feel angry and betrayed when Fenris left the way he did after their first romantic encounter. At least, my Hawke felt that way. ;)<em>

_Thanks for reading and reviewing! I appreciate it. I'm a shameless Loghain fangirl and branching off into DA2 wasn't in the plans until TropicalFool's challenge came along. Never say never. For those of you not familiar with my work, I have a number of Loghain stories out there; one completed long story set after the Landsmeet and through Awakening, several one shots, and a second long story in progress that takes place after Awakening. Feel free to come on over to the dark side and read them. ;)_


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